Dear Dr. Yael,

Dear Dr. Yael,

I love your column and would appreciate your perspective on the shidduch situation facing the younger generation.

My husband and I have been happily married for over 50 years, and baruch Hashem, we have numerous grandchildren who are very frum and are hoping to find their basherts. Unlike our generation, however, they are largely dependent on others to make shidduch suggestions and facilitate introductions.

Our generation had a very different experience. Many of our parents were Holocaust survivors or had immigrated to America during the Great Depression, when maintaining an Orthodox lifestyle was often challenging. Young people were encouraged to attend singles events, hotel gatherings, and chagigos, where they had opportunities to meet one another naturally. There were no resumes, photographs, or extensive background checks. We met through friends, at events, or sometimes through our own initiative. Our parents were generally not involved in the process. We would establish that we shared the same religious values and then try to get to know each other as people.

Today, the shidduch process seems far more complicated. Young men and women are evaluated so stringently that it can be difficult for a promising relationship to get off the ground. Girls may wait a long time to receive a response, while boys considered to be particularly desirable can receive an overwhelming number of resumes. We hear that some young men and women make decisions very quickly, sometimes after only two dates, without giving a potential relationship sufficient time to develop.

Of course, some couples meet and marry relatively quickly, and there are wonderful marriages being built. Nevertheless, we are concerned about the difficulties so many singles experience and the number of marriages that seem to end in divorce. We see these challenges across the Litvish, Chassidish, and Modern Orthodox communities, although the circumstances may differ.

In the Modern Orthodox world, we see another challenge. Some singles spend years dating, building wonderful friendships, enjoying Shabbos meals with friends, and developing comfortable social lives. For some, the transition from the freedom of single life to the responsibilities of marriage can become increasingly difficult, and commitment may feel daunting.

When we try to suggest shidduchim between our grandchildren and the grandchildren of our friends, we are often told not to get involved because the shidduch world has changed and things are done differently today. We understand that times have changed, but we wonder whether we have lost something valuable along the way.

We are also concerned about the financial pressures facing our children, who work very hard to support their married children, many of whom have chosen a kollel lifestyle. We wholeheartedly value Torah learning, but we wonder how families can sustain these responsibilities while also navigating such a complicated shidduch system.

How can we, as grandparents, help the younger generation find their basherts? Is there a way to restore some of the simplicity, trust, and personal connection that characterized shidduchim in our generation? How can we encourage young people to look beyond resumes and superficial criteria and give one another a genuine chance?

We would greatly appreciate your perspective on these important issues.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Your letter raises several important issues that deserve thoughtful discussion. As grandparents who have witnessed more than five decades of marriage and have seen the world of shidduchim change so dramatically, you bring a valuable perspective to this conversation. Your concern comes from a place of love for your grandchildren and a genuine desire to see them build happy, healthy, enduring marriages.

There is something beautiful about the simplicity you describe. In your generation, young people often had opportunities to meet naturally, speak to one another, and discover whether they shared common values and enjoyed each other’s company. There was less emphasis on carefully prepared resumes, photographs, and exhaustive investigations. People were given opportunities to get to know one another as human beings rather than being evaluated on paper before they ever met.

Of course, every generation had its challenges. Our parents and grandparents faced hardships that today’s young people may find difficult to imagine. Many survivors of the Holocaust carried profound trauma, and families who came to America during difficult economic times struggled to establish themselves while preserving their religious traditions. We should not romanticize the past or assume that finding a shidduch was always easy. Nevertheless, there are aspects of that earlier approach that we would do well to reconsider.

It is understandable that parents want to protect their children and help them make wise decisions. Marriage is a serious commitment, and compatibility matters. Shared religious values, emotional maturity, character, and a willingness to build a life together are essential. Gathering appropriate information before a date can be helpful and responsible.

However, there is a difference between being discerning and being so exacting that we overlook wonderful people. When every detail becomes a potential reason to reject a suggestion, young men and women may begin searching for an imaginary ideal rather than a real person with whom they can build a meaningful relationship.

A resume cannot adequately convey someone’s warmth, kindness, sense of humor, generosity, or capacity to grow. Nor can it predict how two people will feel when they sit across from each other and begin a conversation. A person who does not appear to meet every preference on paper may possess the very qualities that make a wonderful spouse.

This does not mean that singles should ignore legitimate concerns or continue dating someone when there is a fundamental incompatibility. Rather, we should encourage them to distinguish between essential values and personal preferences. Not every difference is a red flag, and not every imperfection is a reason to say no.

It is painful to hear about girls waiting anxiously for answers and boys feeling overwhelmed by the number of suggestions they receive. Neither experience is easy. When the process becomes dominated by competition, comparisons, and the fear of missing out on someone supposedly better, it can become difficult to approach dating with an open heart.

We need to help young people understand that dating is not an audition in which one person must prove that he or she meets every expectation. It is an opportunity for two people to discover whether they can develop a relationship grounded in mutual respect, affection, shared values, and friendship.

Two dates may be enough to recognize a clear incompatibility, but they may not be enough to appreciate a person’s deeper qualities. When there is no significant concern and both people are comfortable continuing, giving a relationship a little more time can be worthwhile. The goal is not to prolong dating unnecessarily, but to allow a promising connection the opportunity to develop.

At the same time, we must be sensitive to the emotional toll of repeated dating and rejection. Singles need encouragement, understanding, and support, not criticism about how long they have been waiting or suggestions that something must be wrong with them.

Your observation about singles who become comfortable with their social lives is also worth considering. Friendships, Shabbos meals, community involvement, and meaningful social connections are wonderful things. A rich single life is not itself a problem. However, if someone genuinely wants to marry, but repeatedly avoids commitment because of fear, unrealistic expectations, or an inability to tolerate uncertainty, that person may benefit from exploring those concerns with a trusted mentor or therapist.

Marriage involves accepting that no spouse will fulfill every expectation. It requires flexibility, emotional maturity, communication, and the willingness to grow together. Young people should be encouraged to develop these skills before marriage rather than assuming that the right person will make every difficulty disappear.

We must also remember that a high divorce rate cannot be attributed to one cause alone. Relationships are complex, and marriages may end for many different reasons. Rather than placing blame on an entire generation, we should ask how we can better prepare young couples for the realities of married life and provide them with the support they need to build healthy relationships.

I would encourage you not to underestimate the value of your experience. You do not need to control the process or insist that today’s young people follow the customs of your generation. You can, however, offer something that remains timeless: the power of personal connection.

When you know two young people who might be compatible, there is nothing inherently wrong with suggesting a shidduch. You can make the suggestion gently, share the relevant information honestly, and allow the young people and their families to decide whether they wish to pursue it. A thoughtful introduction is not an intrusion when it is offered respectfully and without pressure.

Perhaps the response you receive reflects a desire for privacy or a preference for a particular shadchan. If so, that preference should be respected. But we should not allow the fear of getting involved to prevent people from doing something kind and potentially meaningful. A simple introduction can sometimes change two people’s lives.

Parents, grandparents, rebbeim, teachers, and shadchanim can all help create a healthier atmosphere by emphasizing character over superficial details, encouraging respectful communication, and reminding singles that their worth is not determined by how many suggestions they receive or how quickly they get engaged.

Your concern about financial pressures is also significant. Supporting a family committed to Torah learning can be a tremendous zechus, but families must make thoughtful decisions about what they can realistically afford. A kollel lifestyle should be approached with honest communication, practical planning, and consideration for the financial and emotional well-being of everyone involved. Supporting Torah should not mean that parents feel compelled to sacrifice their own stability or that young couples are unable to discuss financial realities openly.

Ultimately, we must remember that the purpose of shidduchim is not to create the most impressive match on paper. It is to help two people find one another and build a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael, a home founded on Torah, respect, kindness, and love.

Perhaps the greatest gift your generation can offer the younger one is the reminder that behind every resume is a person, behind every suggestion is a possibility, and behind every successful marriage are two imperfect human beings who choose to build a life together.

May Hashem help all our singles find their basherts at the right time, and may we be zoche to see many more happy, healthy, enduring Jewish marriages.