“… they shall take for you pure, pressed olive oil for illumination …” (Shemos 27:20)
Rashi cites the Talmud (Menachos 86a) that only the first drops pressed in a mortar are fit for use in the Menorah. The rest of the oil, which comes from crushing the olives, is appropriate solely for the meal offerings.
The Alexander Rebbe, R’ Yechiel Danciger, states that this alludes to a fundamental concept in chinuch and admonishment. When reproaching someone for something he has done wrong, it must be done in a pleasant way. The only way to educate a child, or an adult, is by showing him respect and not demoralizing him. One’s only intent should be “to illuminate” – to teach the wrongdoer the correct way and not “crush” him in a harsh manner.
The Alexander Rebbe cites the Sefer Yereim (Chapter 37) that criticism can only be accepted when it is given in a gentle manner. When one rebukes the person in an unkind way, his admonition will not be heeded.
The rosh yeshiva Rav Yitzchak Hutner once wrote to one of his disciples concerning the difficulty he had in writing words of disapproval and censure.
“I am not quick in writing this letter. In truth, I have delayed sending it for quite some time because this letter contains a measure of mussar (rebuke). I have always had this difficulty. The major difference between the written word and the spoken word is that the written word will always be in existence, even in our transient world, as it says (Yirmiyahu 32:14): … so that they remain many years.
“However, my words come from a place of great love. I do not wish that they should ‘remain for many years’; I only want them to be words that will rectify the situation. Ultimately it is difficult to write this letter, but it would also be difficult to withhold these valuable words of reproach.
“Both aspects weigh on me, but I was finally able to overcome my difficulty to pen these words, and I present you with this letter. May it be the will of Hashem that these words will be accepted in the way that I intended – with great love and understanding.”
The Sefer Orchos Tzaddikim cites the pasuk in Vayikra (19:17), “You shall rebuke your fellow and do not bear a sin because of him,” and affirms that a hot-headed individual cannot criticize others. In order not to sin, one would have to chastise his friend in a gentle manner, so that he is not disgraced or humiliated, which someone with a temper would be unable to achieve.
The Chofetz Chaim compares the rebuker to a merchant who is trying to sell his goods. Would the shopkeeper ever think that if he is hostile to the customers they would more readily agree to make a purchase? Rather, it would behoove the vendor to be patient, gently encouraging the customer in his purchase. Similarly, when one rebukes another individual, he must consider how to speak in a way that will best accomplish his end goal.
The Chofetz Chaim’s son-in-law, R’ Aharon Cohen, added that when one wants to reproach another individual – whether it concerns heavenly or worldly matters – he must speak kindly, in a soft manner, because if he expresses himself in an angry way the individual will not be interested in doing mitzvos at all.
HaGaon R’ Chaim Shmuelevitz underscores an additional salient point in his Sefer Sichos Mussar with regard to reproaching another person. He notes that it is crucial that the rebuked individual should not feel fearful or despair; he should be inspired with hope for the future that he will be successful in his endeavors.
The Sefer Ish L’Rei’eihu cites the Rashi that points out (Devarim 1:3) that Yaakov rebuked Reuven only a short time before his death, rather than throughout the years, because he was afraid that Reuven would leave and join Eisav. However, this is puzzling, because the Talmud (Shabbos 55b) tells us, “Anyone who says that Reuven sinned with Bilhah is mistaken.”
R’ Akiva Brazil expounds that Yaakov did not reprimand Reuven for the act that he did; he rebuked Reuven for his personality trait that prompted the incident. It was a quality that was not appropriate for Reuven’s lofty level. Yaakov was afraid that when Reuven would be reproached, he would fathom the severity of his misdeed and tremble with trepidation. Yaakov was fearful that this would make Reuven more vulnerable, allowing the evil inclination to push him over the edge of despair, causing him, alternatively, to connect with Eisav.
A poor lonely orphan in yeshiva decided to leave the beis medrash so that he could begin to earn a livelihood, and he started working for a storeowner in the Beis Yisroel neighborhood. The menahel asked some of the rebbeim from where the boy had learned as a child to convince the boy to return to beis medrash, but he wouldn’t listen.
Finally, the menahel turned to the great R’ Yehuda Tzadko and asked him to please speak to the bachur. The rosh yeshiva immediately went to the store where the boy was working. He spoke to the boy for a few minutes and, to everyone’s amazement, the bachur returned to beis medrash the very next day. From that day forward, he made great advances in his studies and he later became an outstanding talmid chacham.
Once, when the bachur was sitting with a few close friends, he told them, “All the rebbeim tried to persuade me, but I wouldn’t listen to them at all, because they were very stern and unfriendly. They threatened that if I would not return to yeshiva, the end would be …
“However, R’ Yehuda came in with a smile. He spoke to me very gently. He told me how happy everyone would be if I would only continue to learn Torah. His warmth, his tenderness and his friendliness captivated me and I couldn’t refuse him.”