Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I find myself in a terrible situation and don’t know what to do. I am crying every day because I see I have made a grave mistake. I can’t discuss this with my parents because they did not approve of this shidduch in the first place. Only because I was so taken by my now-husband and the way he treated me when we were dating, and my insistence that he was the one for me, did they finally relent to my marrying Ari*. The truth is that Ari came with problems which did not sit well with my parents.
To start with, Ari’s parents are divorced because his father had a terrible temper and was abusive to his mother, and one of his brothers got into trouble with the law. When I asked Ari about these troubling issues, he explained that he is nothing like his father or his brother. In fact, he moved out of the family home as soon as he graduated college and got a great job with a notable company.
Because I was already in love with him, I believed him and all the public feedback supported Ari as being a gem of a guy, responsible, reliable with a good heart. I overrode my parents’ disapproval and we got engaged months before the Pandemic and as our wedding was planned for March, we were caught in the lock-down. During this time, Ari’s company sent him to work in one of their out-of-state offices and we decided that it would be a great chance to start our life together away from my parents and his. Plans for our wedding were scaled down to the most immediate family. I didn’t care because I was marrying the man of my dreams.
As our state was in lock-down Ari was forced to work out of our little apartment and I couldn’t find work at all. For a while, things were fine, but as the months past. we started getting on each others nerves. I became overly anxious and couldn’t take being shut in while Ari spent all day in his little alcove office working as if he were away at his regular office desk. We started arguing and nitpicking over stupidities because we were both miserable being cooped up in such close quarters and I was so lonely, knowing he was in the next room but I couldn’t talk to him when he was working. I yelled at him that he could spend time with me, that no one would know if he wasn’t at his desk, but he, looking terribly disappointed in me, said that he would know and that taking a salary for work he didn’t do was tantamount to stealing. This, in turn, fueled my flame of insecurity that he didn’t love me as much as he loved his work and this turned into my screaming my fears and Ari locking himself in his office.
I was almost ready to pack up and leave last week, except by chance, I took a test and found out I was pregnant. I am in shock, not knowing whether to stay or leave, and I haven’t as yet told Ari. How can I bring a child into such a loveless marriage? Please help me sort this out because I feel so alone and unsure of what to do.
Dear Friend,
Wow! Step back and take a long breath. Let’s talk about the situation in a clear-headed and logical way, like we used to before Covid-19. Just eight months ago you ‘fell in love’ with Ari because he was such a mentch. You even fought your parents in his defense, when they brought up his family issues as their reason for not wanting this shidduch. You counter-argued that everyone who knew Ari had the most glowing impression of him, as did you, and that you believed this to be true. This was borne out during your engagement and first months of marriage. Did he ever raise his voice to you insultingly or lift a hand or throw an object at you in anger? This, if it did occur, would certainly be a reason to consider leaving, however, I see no proof of this from your letter. In fact, what does come across quite impressively in his defense, is a man who would not cheat or take what is not his and someone who would rather walk away from a heated argument before his temper was engaged. I find this to his credit, not his detriment. On the other hand, due to your own boredom and loneliness you most often are the one to start the arguments.
The forced isolation and confinement is often the source of friction and discord for couples and families forced to be apart, together. The stress of one partner working from home while the other has little or nothing to occupy their time, is a recipe for disenchantment. And in your case, the added hormonal changes now causing you to have huge ups and downs due to your pregnancy, only exacerbates an already frayed and stressed relationship. It would certainly be a great assist if you could have face-time with a therapist in your area to help you sort out your feelings and to help you cope with life as we have it now. I truly think you are dealing with your pain in a very singular way, not seeing that your husband is suffering too. I strongly feel that with a few sessions, you will rediscover your love for each other, because it is still very much there just beneath the surface. That’s why it hurts so much.
One more thing, tell Ari he’s going to be a father! There’s nothing more riveting than the news that you have created a new life, as a result of your love for each other, to cement the cracks and fissures.
Tell him because he has a right to know, it’s his baby too. Don’t waste any more time thinking it’s hopeless, when you should be working on building a beautiful life together, now that both of you will welcome this baby, that will make you into a family.