Dear Dating Coach,
I have had only good experiences dating so far. One thing that worries me though is that I’m sure that everyone puts their best foot forward while they are dating. But how do I know that this is who they really are? How do I know that they won’t suddenly transform after we get married?
Bait and Switch
Dear Switch,
Many daters seem to have this concern. Perhaps, especially those from homes where they did not see marriages filled with mutual respect. They worry about daters who may be “pretending” to be kind and good-hearted, only to discover that this was mostly an act after marriage. While, this is highly unlikely, it might be prudent to discuss actual red flags for dater to look for.
How someone dresses, the car that they drive, the neighborhood that they grew up in, and where they went to preschool are not red flags. Every single word that is said on a date does not need to be scrutinized and dissected for discrepancies or holes. You do not need to play detective when you are dating. Merely, follow the list below, with the easy acronym R.E.D, to feel rest assured that your date is not someone you need to leave behind.
Respect
While you are dating, take notice of how he speaks to you and to those around you. Does he listen attentively when you talk and validate your feelings? Is he respectful of the waitstaff and the valet? Does he talk about the people in his life with respect and admiration? Or does he dismiss your opinions and ignore those who work in the establishments you have gone to? Respect is a core value in a healthy marriage.
Emotionally-Stable
We are so lucky to have a shidduch system in place that encourages us to research our dates before we ever meet them. Ask about his temperament, and his circle of friends. Notice, if he gets easily frustrated or upset and how he shares the stories of his upbringing. Does he often play the victim, where he feels like the world seems to constantly be out to get him? Is he reliable at his Yeshiva, his school, or at his job? Does he have healthy relationships? Life is filled with ups and downs and a partner who is emotionally stable matters deeply.
Da’as Torah
We are Jews dating Jews. Regardless of your background or hashkafa, right or left, black hat or baseball cap, look for someone who believes in Da’as Torah. Someone who has a strong foundation of emunah and their belief in Hashem. This person knows that we must always turn to Da’as Torah for answers and direction. A dater who is clear in their belief system and their reliance on a rebbi, a rabbi, or a rebbe, will be sure to seek guidance when needed. This is central to building a home based on Jewish values for yourselves and children in the future. Seek someone who understands the absolute need for Da’as Torah and your path forward will always be laced with clear direction.
If you are dating someone and they DO NOT exhibit R.E.D, it should be a clear red flag for you to move on. However, if someone does present with respect, emotional stability, a strong reliance on Da’as Torah and you have built a connection that is meaningful and joyful, then you can trust the truth you see as you plan for a successful future.
