The Bitachon Blueprint (Part XXVIII)

In our previous installment, we explored how clinging to anger or resentment feeds the mistaken belief that another person has the power to harm us independent of Hashem’s providence. In truth, every experience is Divinely ordained. Forgiveness, then, is not just an act of kindness but an expression of bitachon – a declaration of trust that Hashem alone governs our lives. To hold on to anger is to weaken that trust; to forgive is to fortify it.

Even in the case of serious wrongdoing, forgiveness does not mean denying the hurt, forgetting that it happened, or absolving the offender of responsibility or accountability. It means refusing to allow this person to destroy our potential or continue harming us. Forgiveness, then, becomes not only a gift to the other but a liberation of the self. When we replay an offense in our minds, we chain ourselves to the very moment that hurt us most, keeping the wound raw and unhealed. By letting go, we are not condoning the act – we are reclaiming our energy and redirecting it toward growth.

A lack of self-worth leads to an exaggerated response in situations where we feel disrespected or unloved. This is not only because, as we’ve learned, the more we identify with the false self, the more sensitized we become to such experiences – but also because, fundamentally, if I don’t like myself, I assume you must not like me either. We connect the dots in someone else’s behavior and conclude that we’re being treated poorly because they see the truth: that we are unworthy. (Feeling rejected in any form – whether through embarrassment, criticism, exclusion, or mockery – is excruciatingly painful and intensely feared, because it feels like genuine shame to the ego. The egocentric psyche interprets rejection as a sign of inadequacy, believing it means I am unworthy of love and undeserving of good – and therefore, I will not be safe or accepted.)

This triggers fear, reinforcing the belief that we don’t deserve love or connection – which then fuels anger. Anger creates the illusion of power and control, as the release of noradrenaline and adrenaline heightens awareness, energy, and strength. Emotionally, anger diverts attention away from fear, providing a false sense of control. Since fear can be debilitating, the ego prefers anger over sadness – and, when necessary, sadness over fear – especially in personalities conditioned to suppress anger.

Feeling sad is an emotional response to pain, loss, or disappointment. It is a natural reaction to difficult circumstances and does not necessarily reflect a lack of emunah. For example, when Avraham’s wife Sarah died, the Torah tells us that he was sad: “Avraham came to eulogize Sarah and to bewail her” (Bereshis 23:2). Feeling angry, however, is likened to avodah zarah (“idolatry”) because it denies Hashem’s absolute providence. Anger is rooted in avodah zarah and ego – “I’m in charge, and the world didn’t unfold according to my expectations or sense of entitlement” – but as that ego weakens, the anger begins to lose its grip.

The less the ego is involved, the less we become stuck. Normal feelings of sadness can be processed in a healthy way rather than suppressed, masked, or redirected – away from healing. Consider the four stages of grief: denial, anger, depression, and acceptance. The first three stages are driven by ego. Only when we loosen the ego’s grip can we move toward true acceptance. In any situation or circumstance, the question we ask ourselves remains constant: “What does this mean?” Anger stems not just from taking things personally but from the underlying belief that someone's treatment of us – or Hashem's actions toward us – signals that there is something inherently wrong, broken, or flawed within us. This fearful thought makes us question our self-worth: Maybe I deserve this.

We must remind ourselves that these experiences are not the “luck of the draw” or mere happenstance. Our strengths, weaknesses, and struggles – whether physical, emotional, or spiritual – are all a function of mazal, tafkid, and tikkun, designed for our ultimate growth and emanating from Hashem’s infinite love.

This perspective is especially important when it comes to anxiety. Some people are naturally more anxious than others because of temperament, life history, or neural wiring – through no fault of their own. Their heightened sensitivity is part of their tikkun. While their choices shape their bitachon, their difficulty in feeling calm is not a sign of weakness or failure. It is the starting point of their unique journey, a reality we will return to later.

In the next installment, we’ll begin to explore how to confront shame head-on. We’ve seen that freeing ourselves from toxic shame is essential for reclaiming self-worth and deepening bitachon. But real shame cannot be erased with clever rationalizations or by rewriting the past. Excuses may numb the sting, but they never heal the wound. The only path forward is to confront our mistakes honestly and to take responsibility. Only then can bitachon stand unshaken.

To be continued.